HUMOROUS DOG WRITINGS
Before I Was a Dog Mom
by Carol Wat
Before I was a Dog Mom:
I made and ate hot meals unmolested.
I had unstained, unfurred clothes.
I had quiet conversations on the phone, even if the doorbell rang.
Before I was a Dog Mom:
I slept as late as I wanted.
And never worried about how late I got to bed or if I could get into my bed.
Before I was a Dog Mom:
I cleaned my house every day.
I never tripped over toys, stuffies, chewies,
Or invited the neighbor’s dog over to play.
Before I was a Dog Mom:
I didn’t worry if my plants, cleansers, plastic bags, toilet paper, soap or deodorant were poisonous or dangerous.
Before I was a Dog Mom:
I had never been peed on
Or pinched by puppy teeth.
Before I was a Dog Mom:
I had complete control of
My body and mind.
I slept all night without sharing the covers or pillow.
Before I was a Dog Mom:
I never looked into big, soulful eyes and cried.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn’t stop a hurt.
I never knew something so furry and four-legged could affect my heart so deeply.
Before I was a Dog Mom:
I had never held a sleeping puppy just because I couldn’t put it down.
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was well.
I didn’t know how warm it feels inside to feed a hungry puppy.
I didn’t know that something so small could make me feel so important.
Before I was a Dog Mom:
I had never known the warmth,
or the satisfaction
of being a Dog Mom.
TOP 10 REASONS TO BREED DOGS
…10…I love hair in my coffee.
…09…Never did like having a full nights sleep
…08…Wanted my Vet to get a new BMW
…07…Thought the furniture looked too nice
…06…Love the sounds of puppies in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, midnight, predawn, etc.
05…Garden and backyard needed renovations, and didn’t want to pay a gardener.
…04…Neighbors didn’t complain enough
…03…Kids weren’t enough of a challenge
…02…If you can train & show one dog, why not ten
…01…Wanted to see if spouse really meant those vows
When a dog bites a man that is not news, but when a man bites a dog that is news.
Charles Anderson Dana, ‘What is News?’, The New York Sun 1882
It was a slow day in heaven so God phoned Satan to see what was going on down there. ‘It’s slow here, too’, said Satan. ‘Well,’ God said, ‘I think a dog show might be fun.’ ‘Sounds good’, says Satan, ‘But why are you calling me? You’ve got all the dogs up there.’ ‘I know,’ answered God, ‘But you’ve got all the judges.’
A watchdog is a dog kept to guard your home, usually by sleeping where a burglar would awaken the household by falling over him.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend,
and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
The dog is man’s best friend.
He has a tail on one end.
Up in front he has teeth.
And four legs underneath.
Ogden Nash, “An Introduction to Dogs”
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A DOG PERSON WHEN….
You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.
Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.
You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.
The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you’re at work.
You can’t see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.
Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.
You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.
Your dog sleeps with you.
You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands.
Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course).
You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don’t.
You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.
You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.
You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.
You’d rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.
You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it’s one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.
You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out.
You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.
You don’t think it’s the least bit strange to stand in the back yard chirping “Meg, pee!” over and over again, while Meg tends to play and forget what she’s out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story).
You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.
Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.
Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.
You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.
You have your dog’s picture on your office desk (but no one else’s).
You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.
You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.
You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.
You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs her walk.
You don’t go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go home and see your dog.
Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog.
Your friend’s dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.
Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike (both days).
You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the first floor…).
Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.
You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a taste, too).
You shovel a zigzag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all her favorite spots.
You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.
You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.
You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human.
And the number one reason you know you’re a dog person: Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site!
I want a dog of which I can be proud,” said Mrs. Newlyrich.
“Does that one have a good pedigree?”
“Oh, yes,” declared the kennel owner,
“if he could talk, he wouldn’t speak to either of us.”
from Braude’s Treasury of Wit and Humor
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun!
from “My Dog is the World’s Best Dog” by Suzy Becker
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
Things Dogs Must Try to Remember….
from “My Dog Is the World’s Best Dog” by Suzy Becker
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
The garbage collecter is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up on the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.
“Kitty box crunchies” are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially no the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad’s laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and car registration.
DOG PROPERTY LAWS
1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, it’s mine.
8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it’s broken, it’s mine.
TOP TEN REASONS MY DOG WON’T USE A COMPUTER
(from the December 1998 issue of Dog Sports Magazine)
10. TOoop nii moo pa3wds……………………… (too hard to type with paws)
9. “sit” and “stay” were hard enough………… “delete” and “save” are out of the question.
8. Saliva-coated floppy disk refuse to work
7. Three words………. Carpal Paw Syndrome
6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead giveaway he’s browsing….. www.purina.com
5. Fire hydrant icon……simply frustrating
4. Can’t help attacking the screen when he hears…… you’ve got mail
3. Too messy to mark every web site he visits
2. Fetch command not available on all platforms
1. Can’t stick his head out of …….. Windows 95
TOP 10 DOGGIE NEWSGROUPS:
POTENTIAL PUPPY OWNER TEST
Joy Henderson Carder, http://www.angelfire.com/on3/cardercrest/Dogethics.html
Are you truly ready for a dog? This is a test that every Potential Puppy Owner (PPO) must pass and, after passing, will be given a license to begin learning about the breed of their choice.
No physical force, yelling, or cursing is allowed during the test. Protective clothing or soil-proof clothes are not allowed. Small wounds and scratches are to be handled in a blasé’ manner.
Tests will be held in a variety of environments and PPO will enter brush, woods etc with a happy face.
Any PPO seen wiping dog hair or saliva off their clothing will not pass.
PPO must control a highly stimulated 10 month old male GSD puppy. PPO must be able to get the dog to do a down in two minutes. Flat buckle collar and nylon lead only.
PPO must stand between a 14 month old Golden Retriever and a field. The handler of the puppy will then throw a ball directly into the path of the Golden. PPO must stand their ground and take their clobbering in good nature.
PPO must serve dinner to 6 rottweiler puppies, not older than 6 months and not younger than 4 months. PPO must not spill the food and the puppies will not be held in any stay position.
PPO must quiet 4 Shelties, or 6 Pomeraniens, when the doorbell rings. PPO has two minutes and the puppies must have been handled previously by a breeder immune to the noise who lives in the middle of nowhere.
PPO must hold their ground with 10 Jack Russels chasing an animal they perceive as prey. PPO must hold their leashes and not move more than 6 inches. No corrections may be issued, but PPO is welcome to try to distract them.
PPO must walk 2 Great Danes on ice. PPO must not move more than 100 feet.
PPO must play with a Newfoundlander after the dog has been swimming in a pond. They must attempt to dry themselves with a dishtowel. At no time will the PPO appear disgusted.
PPO must leave 3 Huskies alone in their home, uncrated, for 3 hours. PPO is allowed to cry upon return.
PPO must groom an adult male collie blowing coat completely within 25 minutes, ears, nails, teeth and coat. The dog will have been recently bathed to give PPO a fighting chance.
PPO must fit a Basenji into a winter coat within 5 minutes. Basenji cannot have worn a coat before.
PPO must removes thistles from an English Setter by hand with a fine-toothed comb.
PPO must exercise a Viszla that has not been out for 2 days. PPO must not tire out before the dog.
PPO must sleep in the same room as a bulldog. If the PPO cannot sleep, they must be happy in the morning.
PPO will navigate through 10 small dogs without stepping on one.
PPO must be able to secure a good supply of used plastic bags within 3 days.
PPO must be able to successfully get a dog to throw up in a plastic grocery bag while in the passenger seat of a car.
PPO must not die of shock when they get the vet bill for neutering a Mastiff.
PPO must sit in a closed room with two dogs that were fed broccoli and beans and exhibit no disgusted facial expressions.
PPO must vow to nurture, love, train and care for their dogs for the rest of the dog’s life.
PPO must accept that each dog is an individual which needs to live in a pack.
PPO must vow to educate themselves about the breed of their choice and requirements expected.
PPO must vow to obtain his dog from a reputable shelter/rescue/breeder.
PPO must conduct themselves in a responsible manner, securing liberties for the rest of the dog-loving community.
PPO must remain good-humored and remember that for every insane, tough moment there will be a hundred more good ones.
PPO must try to be the person that their dog thinks they are.
10 REASONS WHY FEEDING DOGS IS MORE SATISFYING THAN FEEDING CHILDREN
Dogs don’t ask “What is this?”
Dogs don’t turn up their noses at tofu.
Dogs don’t care what color dinner is.
Dogs only require one dish.
Dogs LOVE to help with dinner dishes.
Dogs don’t want you to serve them, they would rather help themselves.
Dogs don’t compare your cooking to their friend’s mother’s.
Dogs don’t mind eating on the floor.
Heck, Dogs don’t mind eating off the floor.
Dogs don’t care if it is not cooked.
LEASH: A strap which attaches itself to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog’s rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. This can also be done to human’s crotches.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, barking loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants
them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filed with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command “sit!”, especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSEBUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn’t get the attention you require…especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. the best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.
WINNERS BITCH SEEKS BEST OF OPPOSITE SEX
You know you’ve waited too long to find a mate when…..
–you think stripping is something you do to a terrier
–you think nothing about loudly discussing studs and bitches in a fancy restaurant
–the first thing you notice about a guy is what breed of dog he has
–your biggest turn-off is a guy with an obnoxious untrained dog
–you have ever ruled out a guy as a prospective date based on the breed of dog he owns
–you dismiss all the guys your mother introduces you to as “not breeding quality”
–you never could stick to a diet to impress a guy, but you can do it to get through that TDX track
–your only nice jewelry features either dogs, dumbbells, or rosettes
–you have a video on how to artificially inseminate your dog but last watched a dirty movie in junior high school
–when you talk about “scoring” you mean how you did at last weekend’s obedience trial
–your dog has more letters after his name than the last ten guys you’ve dated, and actually completed obedience school
–you start using operant conditioning techniques to get what you want from your boyfriend, and you won’t let him read your copy of “Don’t Shoot The Dog”
–you think that maybe your current guy has potential if you use the proper combination of positive reinforcement and the occasional well-timed ear pinch
–you “people watch” at the mall by making mental lists of the conformational faults each bypasser has to contribute to the gene pool
–you think if you ever did marry and have children that you wouldn’t have to buy a playpen because you already have an extra x-pen. And why buy a crib?? Crates are cheaper and they’re enclosed on all sides.
–you give all of your married friends child-rearing advice based on your extensive background in dog training
–your mother’s worst fear is that you’ll have a child and make it wear a pinch collar
–your mother’s second worst fear is you’ll get married and your dog will be in the wedding party
–you actually have friends whose dogs HAVE been part of the wedding party
–when your cousin tells you how much her wedding costs you think how many show-quality puppies that could buy you
–all of your friends always include your dog in any invitation they issue to you. Of course, you reciprocate because you only have doggy friends left….the others have stopped inviting you places because you insist on bringing the dog!
–you know your dog’s cholesterol but not your own
–when you lament to your friends about chronic yeast infections, they don’t know you’re talking about your dog’s ears
–you last had a professional portrait done for your high school graduation, but you just spent 50% of your dog’s purchase price having his done by the best canine photographer in the country
–you and your dog use the same kind of hairbrush, and you never can keep straight whose is whose
–you spend 8 hours grooming your dog for a show the day before, and 1.25 minutes ponytailing your hair the morning of.
–your mother is ecstatic to see you browsing the aisle with the hair coloring, after hounding you for three year to try highlighting….only to be disappointed when she finds you are looking for peroxide to “touch up” your dogs drool marks
–when someone mentions single bars, you wonder if they are talking about utility or agility jumps
–when you go “clubbing”, you have your choice of the all-breed club, the specialty club, the obedience club, or the tracking club
–you once made earrings out of old rabies tags, and all your friends wanted a pair
HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A PUPPY
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, “No, outside! No, outside!!”
17. Call spouse to clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy “sit” and stay” the first thing in the morning.
MIND GAMES DOGS PLAY WITH HUMANS
1. After your humans give you a bath, DON’T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your humans’ bedtime.
2. Act like a convicted criminal! When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. When the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about.
4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go ‘pee’, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go ‘poo’. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
7. Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make THEM go and chase it once in a while.
8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don’t reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)
A watchdog is a dog kept to guard your home, usually by sleeping where a burglar would awaken the household by falling over him.
An angel at St. Peter’s gate, to a man seeking admittance: If you don’t mind throwing tennis balls for eternity, I do have an opening in doggie heaven.
Frank and Ernest comic strip
It is impossible to keep a straight face in the presence of one or more puppies.
ONE MORE DOG
One dog is not trouble, and two are so funny,
The third one is easy, the fourth one’s a honey.
The fifth is delightful, the sixth one’s a breeze.
You find you can live with a household, with ease.
So how ‘bout another? Would you really dare?
They’re really quite easy, but Oh Lord, the Hair!
With fogs on the sofa, and dogs on the bed,
And crates in the kitchen, it’s no bother, you said.
They’re really no trouble, their manners are great.
What’s just one more dog and one more little crate?
The sofa is hairy, the windows are crusty.
The floor is all footprints, the furniture’s dusty.
The housekeeping suffers, but what can you care?
Who minds a few noseprints and a little more hair?
So let’s keep a puppy, you can always find room
And a little more time for the dust cloth and broom.
There’s hardly a limit to the dogs you can add.
The thought of a cutback, sure makes you feel sad.
Each one is special, so useful, so funny,
The food bill grows larger, you owe the vet money.
Your folks never visit, few friends come to stay,
Except other dog folks, who live the same way.
Your lawn has now died and your shrubs are dead, too.
Your weekends are busy, you’re off with your crew.
There’s dog food and vitamins, training and shots,
And entries and travel and motels which cost lots.
Is it worth it, you wonder? Are you caught in a trap?
Then that favorite comes up and climbs in your lap.
His look says you’re special and you know that you will
Keep all the critters in spite of the bill.
Some just for showing, and some just to breed,
And some just for living, they all fill a need.
Winter is a hassle, but the dogs love it true,
And they must have their walks tho you are numb and blue.
Late evening is awful, you scream and you shout
At the dogs on the sofa, who refuse to go out.
The dogs and the dog shows, the travel, the thrills,
The work and the worry, the pressure, the bills,
The whole thing seems worth it, the dogs are your life.
They’re charming and funny and offset the strife.
Your lifestyle has changed, things just won’t be the same.
Yes, those dogs are addictive, and so’s the dog game!
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
The dog has seldom been successful in pulling man up to his level of sagacity, but man has frequently dragged the dog down to his.
James Thurber (1894-1961)
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A DOG PERSON WHEN….
1. You spend $18 in entry fees, $25 in gas, $100 in lodging and meals, all for a 50 cent ribbon.
2. Your family room has crates in it.
3. You have extra cleaning bills for the squished up liver ground into the pockets of your jacket, pants, skirt…
4. When buying a new house, the first thing you check is whether the yard is good enough!
5. When you’re shopping for a new dress, and decide against one that is beautiful and really flatters you because it doesn’t have pockets for bait.
6. When your main consideration in buying a new pair of shoes is whether they have non-skid soles so you won’t fall while gaiting your dog.
7. When almost every color of dress in your closet is the same, because that is the color that best compliments your dog – even if it’s a terrible color for you.
8. When your family reunion and dog shows fall on the same weekend, and you send your apologies to your family.
9. Every conversation you have eventually mentions dogs, even if you’re talking about flowers, libraries, reading, whatnot.
10. When you’re short on money and are more worried about whether to dogs have enough food for the month, than about your own groceries.
11. When you can’t remember someone’s name, but you say, “Oh, you know, Fido’s owner.”
12. When the first thing you do is say, “Hi Fido!” and only then say hello to Fido’s owner. But you forget their name.
13. When you rip out all the carpets and replace them with tile to avoid fleas and be easier to clean, and then bring in carpet scraps to make beds so the dogs won’t have to sit on the cold floor.
14. In meetings and other conversations, you use similes and metaphors that relate to dog training, like “He’s bristling around like an alpha, and we’re going to have to roll him over and grab his throat to get his attention.” (that usually shakes up the management pretty good.)
15. Or when you start telling your children, “Sit! Stay!”
16. When you pick up smelly dog poop with just a baggie and not think twice about it. And then carry it nonchalantly all over God’s creation Until you can find a trash can to dump it in. Or stick it in a pocket until then.
17. Someone says, “She’s a rotten bitch” and you look to see what dog they’re talking about.
18. Or when your daughter tells you, in frustration, “There are other things in the world besides dogs”, and you can’t figure out what..
19. When a wedding is being planned for your son, and he asks first if that weekend has any majors, or could they schedule the wedding then…
20. You stop wearing your clothes because the dogs chewed out your pockets from the outside.
21. You go to the local park and look at the dogs running around the park and see all the faults.
22. Vacations are planned around Specialties and Cycle Obedience events.
23. Or when your only non-dog friend comes over and asks, “What is that smell?” and you have no idea what she is talking about.
24. If your dog doesn’t like someone, instead of apologizing, you ask them to leave.
25. You refer to your kid’s personalities as temperament.
26. Your pajamas have a bait pocket.
27. You go to a Walt Disney movie and watch Pluto’s gait.
28. You see an attractive girl walking a dog and you look at the dog first.
29. When you meet an old friend at ringside – and first greet their dog!
30. When you know people by what dog they own.
31. You never talk to your neighbors, but you know the names and breed of every dog for blocks. You immediately notice if a new dog moves in.
32. Discussing worming a dog in a spaghetti restaurant seems normal.
33. When someone calls you a bitch and you take it as a compliment.
34. All you do is look up dogs on the Internet.
35. Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.
36. The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you’re at work.
37. You can’t see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose prints all over the inside.
38. Your dog sleeps with you.
39. You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but they understand.
40. You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don’t.
41. You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
42. You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kids.
43. You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.
44. You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.
45. You’d rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your friends.
46. You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it’s one of the few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.
47. You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out.
48. You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.
49. You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.
50. Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.
51. You have your dog’s picture on your office desk (but no one else’s).
52. You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every time you get.
53. You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.
54. You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.
55. You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs its walk.
56. Your friend’s dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.
57. Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a walk (both days).
58. You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the first floor).
59. Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.
60. You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a taste too).
61. You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard so your dog can reach all its favorite spots.
62. You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
63. You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.
64. You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human.
65. Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site.
YOU KNOW YOU’VE GONE TO THE DOGS WHEN…
* Nobody’s feet are allowed on the furniture, but your dogs are welcome to sleep on any piece they so choose.
* It takes an entirely separate garbage can to handle all the poop.
* All kinds of things around the house are in need of repair, but the injured dog you rescued by the side of the road requires immediate surgery and out comes the checkbook.
* You and your family haven’t had your annual check up in two years, but the dogs are all medically up to date.
* You start barking at your children to “Sit! Stay!”
* You’re more concerned with the dogs’ needs than your own when the budget gets tight.
* At least three of your five weeks vacation are scheduled around grooming, vaccinations and dental cleaning… all for the dogs!
* Dog crates double as chairs and/or tables in your family room.
* You can only remember people by associating them with their dog.
* Overnight guests (who share your bed) are offended by having to sleep with you and the dog(s).
* You snuggle closer to the dog than the person with whom you are sleeping.
* You decide to downsize from a huge house in the city to an average country cottage with lots of land in order to build the kennel of your dreams.
* You spend more time looking through mail order catalogues for dog supplies than for Victoria’s Secret nighties or Miles Kimball gadgets.
* All your social activities revolved around other dog people.
* Your voice is immediately recognized by your vet’s receptionist.
* Everyone in the office is eager to know if the dogs are all right because you were late for the meeting.
* The whereabouts of all your important legal and personal documents escapes you, yet you know precisely where to locate the file that includes all the vet records, breed papers and registration.
* Your trunk has an emergency food kit for any strays you might come across.
* The majority of your charitable contributions go to animal organizations.
* To win a precious .75 show ribbon, you think nothing of forking out hundreds of dollars to board/pet sit the other dogs, pay for entry fees, gas, accommodations and meals.
* You no longer have to buy extra large garbage bags, because the empty, 40 pound dog food bags work just as well.
* Complete strangers call you on the phone to ask a question because they heard you were a “dog person”.
* Your mom calls and asks how the granddogs are.
* Every gift you ever get has something to do with dogs.
* Your cookie jar has never seen the likes of people cookies.
* You rip up the carpet and lay tile to make clean up so much easier.
* Your children (wife, husband) complain that you always take more pictures of the dog than you do of them.
* While proudly showing off your family album, your guest asks, “Isn’t there anyone else in your family besides the dog?”
* Any conversation you’re having is effortlessly directed back to the topic of dogs.
* Your first concern when planning a vacation is whether or not the hotel will take pets.
* You politely bow out of an important social engagement so you can attend a dog show.
* The number one priority when buying a new house is the size and landscape of the backyard.
* The only (or at least first) forum you log onto is the animal forum.
* You describe your children as having temperaments rather than personalities.
* The cost of boarding your furkids equals that of your entire vacation.
* Your dog decides he doesn’t like someone and you tend to agree.
* All your non-dog friends know to dress down when visiting your house.
* Your friends know which chair not to sit in.
* First time visitors wonder aloud, “Do you smell something?” and you really don’t.
* You become the family dog kennel for all your relatives.
* You don’t think twice about sitting on the floor because both the couch and the chair are completely dog full.
* Your desk proudly displays your canine family.
* All dates must pass your dog’s inspection.
* The first question you ask when on a date is, “So, do you like animals?”
* You buy a bigger bed that will comfortably sleep six.
* You break down and buy another pillow so you can have one to sleep on.
* More than half of your grocery money goes to dog food and treats.
* You buy a mini van to give them all enough travel room.
* Your carpeting matches the color of your dog – purposely.
* The thought of changing a baby’s diaper makes you swoon, but you can pick up dog poop barehanded, if necessary, without batting an eye.
* You send out specially-made holiday cards that feature you and the dogs.
* Your spouse issues the ultimatum “It’s them or me” and you have no problem pointing out the suitcase.
* You readily allow them to give you slobbery kisses, but you don’t dare wipe a toddler’s nose.
* Onlookers grimace at the sight of you sharing your sandwich with your four-legged pal, bite for bite.
* Your dog has the best birthday party over and above any kid in the entire neighborhood.
* Your dogs eat only the most nutritionally sound food, while your favorite meal is mac ‘n’ cheese.
* You’ve traced your dog’s family tree further than you have your own.
* You’re more familiar with dog laws than you are with people laws.
* You stagger your dog magazine subscriptions to make sure you’ll receive one every week.
* Your vet’s office number is the first one on your speed dial list; his home is number two.
* One of your vet files is labeled “Other”.
* Your vet takes a few extra courses just to keep up with your breed’s assorted ailments.
* Your file is the only one that remains in the “IN” box.
* Your file rivals War And Peace.
by Jerrie Wolfe & David Wilson
A Abnormal Birth
The only kind you hear of after you have your bitch in whelp.
B Box for Whelping
Essential piece of equipment which is used at the onset of labor, but which is later left in order to produce the first pup on your bed.
C Cardiac Arrest
Not common in whelping bitches, but often seen in owners around 62nd day of bitches gestation.
What you wish you had bought in the first place.
For some reason adopted by breeders. e.g. “Puppies are thriving” means puppies have just eaten next month’s housekeeping budget in five days.
F False Alarms
Games played by whelping bitches to keep owners on their toes.
What you had before your puppies.
H Hand Rearing
Not recommended unless you have eight hands.
Your puppies, of course, have none.
Despite other comments, puppies bring a lot of it with them.
That shed in the garden that used to stay empty until you stored tools in it.
L Long Sleep-Ins
What you don’t have for a very long time.
You will need a lot of it. Recommend developing friendship with someone in the trade.
N Next Time
Next time you’ll be more organized!
O Old Clothes
The only kind you have after rearing puppies.
After writing out a five-generation pedigree eight times, you will agree there is a lot to be said for mongrels.
Dictionary defines this words as “finite quantity”. Visualize litter of eight – then number nine arrives.
Takes place after sorting out debris once the last puppy is gone.
Can be bought in cans. Can also be found accompanied by strain in owners.
Teething puppies are an upholsterer’s dream. See “R”.
U Useful Articles
Scissors, cotton, LARGE WHISKEY.
The chap whose phone number you learn by heart.
Excellent method for getting the smallest amount of milk and food over the largest area of floors, walls, etc. in the shortest time.
What your head should have been before you started all this.
Y Yellow Fever
About the only disease you decide the puppies don’t have when they sneeze the first time.
Z Zigzag Zoom! Puppies do it when you try to catch them to put them back in their kennel.
AD (attention deficit)
ARB (ace refrigerator bandit)
BW (butt wagger)
BWX (butt wagger excellent)
CC (cat – courser)
CCX (cat – courser excellent)
CP (couch potato)
CPX (couch potato excellent)
CSX (counter surfer extrordanaire)
GFIY (go fetch it yourself)
HHP (House Hold Pet)
IDDI (I didn’t do it)
ILF (I like food)
ILLF (I like lots of food)
IWFF (I work for food)
LD (lap dog)
LDX (lap dog excellent)
OWTH (Oh, What The Heck)
TBF (thick but friendly)
TGS (terribly good snorer)
TGAN (terribly good at nothing)
TSIM (that seat is mine)
TTIM (that toy is mine)
UNCD (under the covers dog)
UNCDX (under the covers dog excellent )
WM (who me?)
NOT SO BLONDE JOKE
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit,was somewhat taken back by this recent incident. Returning home from work, a “burnette” (with blonde roots) was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps put her face in her hands and moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!”
Good Afternoon. I AM a dogaholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month’s meeting of “Dogaholics Anonymous.”
Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you here.
You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and that you really don’t need any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a dogaholic and it is
even harder to bring yourself to a DA meeting for help. DA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask.
If you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place.
Can you say “Bitch” in public without blushing?
Do you drive a station wagon, van or 4x4when everyone else drives a real car?
Do you have more than one car? One for you and one for the dogs?
Do you spend your vacations and holidays going to shows, specialties and seminars when everyone else goes on a cruise?
If you do go overseas, is it to London in March to attend Crufts? [or Finland in June to attend the World Dog Show?]
Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?
Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly washed tennis shoes?
Is your interior decorator R.C. Steele?
Was your furniture and carpeting chosen to match your dogs?
Are your end tables really dog crates with tablecloths thrown over them?
Do you know the meaning of CD, CDX, UD, CGC, HIC, WC, JH, MH, CH, and OTCH?
Is your mail made up primarily of dog catalogs, dog magazinesand premium lists?
Do you get up before dawn to go to Training Classes? Dog Shows? Seminars? [but have trouble getting up for "work?"]
If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets?
Do those pockets often contain freeze dried liver, Rollover or squeaky toys?
When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of dog they have and pity them if they don’t have one?
Do you remember the name of their dog sooner than you remember their name?
Do you find non-dog people boring?
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope.
If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble.
If you answered YES to three or more,you have come to the right place.
My advice to all of you with three or more YES’s is to
sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you
and know that your life will always be filled with good friends
and good dogs and it will never be boring.
A NEW DISEASE
We have identified a new disease, probably caused by a virus among dog-owning people. It apparently has been in existence for a considerable time, but only recently has anyone identified this disease, and begun to study it. We call it the Acquired Canine Obsessive Syndrome (ACOS). At first, ACOS was originally considered to be psychological in nature, but after two young researchers here suddenly decided to become show breeders, we realized that we were dealing with an infectious agent. Epidemiologists here have identified three stages of this disease and typical symptoms, and they are:
A. You have the early symptoms (Stage I) if:
1. You think that any show within 300 miles is near by.
2. You begin to enjoy getting up at 5 a.m. in the morning to walk and feed dogs.
3. It is fun to spend several hours a day grooming dogs.
4. You think you’re being frugal if you spend less than $3,000 dollars a year on shows.
5. You can’t remember what it was like to have just one dog.
B. You definitely have the disease (Stage II) if:
1. Your most important factor when buying a car is how many crates you can fit in it.
2. When you look for a house, the first thing you think of is how many dogs you can kennel on the property.
3. Your dog food bill is higher than your family’s.
4. You spend as much on veterinarians as on doctors.
5. You have no money because of showing dogs.
6. You have to buy more than one vehicle a year, because you keep burning out the 7-year or 70,000-mile warranty going to shows.
7. You have more pictures of the dogs than of your family.
8. Your idea of a fun vacation is to hit a show circuit.
9. Most of your conversations revolve around the dogs.
C. You are a terminal case (Stage III) if:
1. You wake up in the morning and find out that you put the kids in the crates and the dogs in the beds last night.
2. You know each dog’s name and pedigree, but can’t figure out who that stranger in the house is; it turns out to be your husband/wife
3. Your neighbors keep insisting that those kids running around your house bothering the dogs are yours.
4. You keep telling the kids to “heel” and can’t understand why they won’t, and why they keep objecting to the choke chain.
5. You cash in the kid’s college trust fund to campaign the dogs.
6. You’ve been on the road showing dogs so long that you can’t remember where you live.
7. Your family tells you “It’s either the dogs or us”; you choose the dogs.
Do you have this dreaded disease? Well, there is hope. In the course of our research, we have found that most cases seem to stop at Stage II, and remain chronic. We, with great difficulty, managed to acquire several Stage III ACOS patients. They are currently in our isolation wards, where we are studying them to gain a better understanding of this disease. It is a sad sight, seeing these formerly vibrant people as they shuffle around their rooms in endless triangle or L-patterns, making odd hand motions (as if holding a lead and baiting a dog), and making chirping noises. Merely saying the word “Westminster” can send them into an uncontrollable frenzy. Unfortunately, there isn’t much hope for these cases, but with time and research to further understand this disease, we hope to come up with a cure. We are now attempting to isolate the causative agent, and may be able to develop a vaccine in the future.
An interesting sidelight of this disease seems to be that exposure at an early age has an immunizing effect. Several people afflicted with ACOS at Stage II and Stage III have close family members (children, husbands, wives) who have absolutely no disease. It is thought by some of our researchers that this may be due to environmental effects, to an age-related immune function, or to the fact that those at these stages of the disease tend not to associate with their close family members possibly due to the memory deficit induced by the disease – that is, in that they don’t remember that they have close family members!
What can you do to prevent this disease? Until a cure is found, prevention is the measure. Avoid kennels advertising “show stock,” since it may be that dogs are carriers of the disease. Leave town on those days that the local newspapers inform you of a show in the area. If you inadvertently come into contact with an ACOS-afflicted person, leave as soon as possible (they do tend to cling), and thoroughly shower, preferably with germicidal soap. If you are living with an ACOS-afflicted person, take comfort that, if you haven’t succumbed yet, you are probably safe.
CHIP FEVER (Dogus Addictus)
Obsessive focus on all things related to dogs – seeing dog shapes in clouds and inkblots, finding dog references in unrelated conversations, pointing out other people’s ability to own more dogs, going out of one’s way to talk to other dog owners and to look at dog-related items. Narcolepsia manifesting itself through repetitive dreaming of dogs and all things related to dogs, and through inability to sleep without being pinned down by warm fuzzy object.
Symptoms may prevent patient from being productive at work, and from functioning socially. This illness is also highly contagious, and can be contracted via e-mail.
Addition of new dog is often a successful treatment. Although some cases have needed repeat treatments up to eight or nine dogs. Saturation point is unknown, although overdosage is very feasible.
If addition of new dog is not possible, patient should be distracted and kept busy. Acquisition of other items can temporarily soothe the need for a purchase, but patients must beware of shopping in areas containing dog-related items. If patient should see such a section of a store, the illness may become more severe.
Patient should also avoid other people with Canine Fever as they tend to exacerbate the illness. Those who have successfully overcome this illness should encourage caution and patience, as the patients are highly impulsive.
Fostering should not be considered a serious alternative as it often results in addition of a dog. Fostering should be considered more as a treatment for Spouseus Uncooperativeus.
While this disease has been known to exist throughout human history, it has spread exponentially in the last few years. The increase in computer e-mail has corresponded with the rise in contagion, and is strongly suspected of being a new, serious means of communicating the disease. Those people on canine related e-mail lists should be forewarned of the possible risks of contracting the disease, and new methods of resisting contraction of the disease should be found.